I see it! I see it all now. Or rather, I see enough to see the gap. The space where I keep waiting for something, anything to fill. To take the two field fences and put in a gate, which makes the whole reason for a fence worthwhile.
The fence is me. More correctly, the two fences are me: my wishes and my wants. Between, an aperture that never grows and never recedes. Creating a viewpoint that will always stay in the far distance.
The gate – that flexible force that brings together my needs and desires, that allows access to new worlds and blocks the ills and trips for my progress. That has always meant to be my relationship. With a partner.
But who can fill that role? I mean, really? It’s not fair is it, to leave such an important gap in myself and then just hope, expect and wait for someone to fill that? Joining up who I am, bridging what I should do with what I could be. Resolving the conflicts inside.
Why leave such a gap? It’s asking for trouble in then end, since they will leave in their running shoes or in a much slower box. ‘Partnership’ I guess is within that mistake. It implies that two are needed to create something else, something that would not otherwise exist. But what is that other thing? In business, it’s a company. Between two people, what is it? Should this ‘something’ be left only to exist if two people can make it happen? If it’s that important, why leave this mystical formation to only some chemistry, some mystery and more than a little chance? Shouldn’t such critical parts come from something more measured and assured? Or if it isn’t such a big deal, work towards something simpler? Like self-confidence? Self-reliance?
The error was leaving the gap. A person needs to be whole to create a worthwhile partnership, hopefully with someone else who is similarly equipped. Although that does beg the question of why such a partnership is needed at all. If we’re all supposed to be so refined and evolved before hooking up, what does it all create in the end?
I’m lost. Relationships never provide those within with everything they need. None of them do, after all a partner too perfect just makes us paranoid and grows our insecurities. Although, some relationships exist with one always providing and the other happy to be provided for. Is that the right balance then? A lack of balance?